Last 13 Days.....

Seen as I haven't written anything for the last thirteen days I thought I would do it all in one go.

On the 14th Jan I came down with a bit of a cold that lasted only 48 hours, thank god.

On Sunday 16th Jan I got an early morning phone call off James who said he was coming to visit me that day. I didn't believe him at first and thought it was all a dream or some sort of wind up. I did however start to believe it when he phoned me from the bus station in Glasgow where he had gotten his ticket to come down that day. He had to sit around for a few hours waiting on his bus down.
I was in such a panic as the house was a compete tip asI hadn't been keeping up with the house work. So I had to set about a serious clean up of the house. It was like an early spring clean as I spent about five hours cleaning the house that day. Even the dog got a bath as he badly needed one.
James' coach was due in at nearly midnight so we changed his ticket so he could get off at Bolton and get a Train into Blackburn more than two hours before he was due in on the coach.
I had to walk down to Blackburn train station with the dog to go and meet him off the train as he has NEVER been to Blackburn before and also didn't have enough money to get a taxi to my house. I hated walking down through the town as there was hardly anyone around. Then I ended up getting to the train station ten minutes before his train was due in and then his train was late so I was stood there freezing as it was a very cold night and I had a skirt on which I now know was a foolish thing to do as my legs were freezing.
Anyway he finally arrived and I was really shy around him. I don't know why I was that was but I was. I just became shy all of a sudden but the ice got broken a little when we crossed the road from the train station and he asked for a hug. It was nice to see him as I hadn't seen him since September.
Walking home with James was a surreal experience as I felt like it wasn't really happening and that any minute I was going to wake up from my dream.
It was nice to get back to my house in the warm where I made him a chicken breast sandwich and I had a nice sausage sandwich.
It was nice him being here, it really was.
The next morning my cold had seemed to have returned and I felt like crap and didn't want to do anything except lie in bed. James wanted to go out and I couldn't even get up as I felt so ill. So he went out a couple of times himself. He went to the papershop to get a newspaper and then came back and then at 1pm he went up to a take away to get some lunch. When he got back with the lunch I had made an effort and managed to get up out of bed and eat it. I did really feel dreadful and I wanted to sleep but because he had come all that way and traveled all those hours to see me the least I could do was get up.
We sat and chatted and watched TV till about 5pm when I finally got washed and dressed. He then finally convinced me to go out for a walk with him so we walked up to the shop up on the main road and got a few snacks. It was so cold outside and I really felt it with being ill. I was so glad to get back home in the warmth.
I then cooked dinner for me, my dad and James. We all had different things. And then me and James sat and watched TV and chatted till about 9:30 when me and my dad took him down to the train station to get his train. This time I wrapped up even more than before as I was going to have to stand with him and wait for his train. It was freezing on that train track waiting for the train. We both wanted to stand and hug but couldn't as everytime we both took our hands out of our pockets we got too cold. Maybe we need to buy some gloves? His train came after a few minutes so we had a quick hug and off I went to have James shout after me and for me to turn round to see him waving like a mad loney at the side of the train. I then hurried down to my dad to get in the car and warm up. It was sad to see James go but the whole visit did feel like a dream to me.
I was so ill the night and an hour after returning home and a dose of nightnurse I was in bed and fast to sleep.
The next day I woke up feeling great without a cold which made me happy.

Thursday 20th Jan. Today is my mums birthday. She is 5 today. She came round at lunch today to get her birthday present and have a couple of brews.
I got her a really nice picture (silver) frame from H Samuels. I had the hardest time picking her a birthday present as she has lots of things and there isn't much that she doen't need or want. I was like that at Christmas, I was thinking for months of what to get her and I still wasn't 100% happy with all that I got her in the end but I just couldn't think of what else to get her. She said that she loved her xmas presents so it seems as though I got something right.
Anyway she said she really liked her picture frame and I also liked it and I would also like something like that as a gift. I only have one picture frame and that's small and I haven't got a picture the right size for it.
By 10pm I was starting to feel ill. I was really thirsty and I was getting a blocked noce. I thought it was because I was sat in a stuffy room so I didn't think anything of it and went to bed.
The next morning I woke up with a col. I felt terrible and was so unhappy as I had only just had a cold the previous week. As the day went on I started to feel worse and knew that it was going to be a heavier cold than the week before.
When I woke up on Saturday afternoon I felt town times worse than the day before. I didn't even come on here as I will too ill and was in bed by 10pm. The next day I felt just as bad but not worse witch was good.
Monday I was getting better and even managed an hour on here just before I went to bed.
Yesterday I woke up feeling the best I have felt since last Friday. But I have a horrible cough that has been keeping me awake. Yesterday I only took one pain killer as I want my body to start to heal itself and me not to dose myself up on painkillers and night nurse, if I did feel any worse than I do I would take pain killers as I do feel shitty.
Today I feel a little better than yesterday but with less sleep as I couldn't get comfy and have a headache and my cough is really getting to me but I'm hoping by the beginning of next week that I am back to full health. I did take pain killers today but I am in pain from the coughing. I think an early night isin order for me tonight.

So that was the past 13 days. I spent most of it sick and in pain but the 24 hours I spent with James have to be my highlight.

Next week I will be starting my new course and as I have been ill I haven't even looked at it yet. As I haven't done any proper study since 2003 I am dreading it a little and I know it will take me a while to get into it. I just hope my concentration levels can cope with it now as I haven't been able to go into it a bit at a time before it starts and the first week I am hoping to do two hours a day six days a week. I only do six days a week as I like to have one really lazy day a week where I do nothing at all.
I do know that this course is going to be really hard for me but I am going to give it my all and work really hard on it. I just wish that I had done this course last Feb instead of doing T171 as I hated that course and it wasn't really a study academic course like A207. I just hope I can do it.

Sometimes

Sometimes I sit and feel like screaming.
It's like nothing in my life is going right and if it does it doesn't last too long.
I try to do my best by people and put myself out for people but it's almost as though they don't appreciate what I am doing and what I am trying to do for them.
It feels like I am here but no one never really notices me or the real/true me. And that I am only noticed when someone has a problem or needs me to be there for them.
It would be nice to have someone there for me. Someone to listen to me and give me some great advice.
Someone that sees the real me and the me that I so long to be. Someone that can encourage me to be me and to be there for me no matter what and someone to understand where I am coming from.
It would be so nice to be understood.
I'm always trying to fix peoples problems and help them out and I seem to be the ost case myself but I think I try to outshine my problems by getting dug into other peoples problems and be the person who helps them out and helps them make everything ok.
I always want to be the person that is a great listener and the person who is there for everyone but I don't want to become a victim of me and my kindness and my desire to be there for everyone through there problems.

Confusion

Why is life in general quite confusing? Especially when it comes to your emotions?
Some people go through life doing all they can to avoid hurting people... I am one of those people and I'm not afraid to admit that.
People go through life trying to be there for everything and to help them through the hard times in their lives....I am one of those people.
People go through life trying not to get hurt but always end up getting hurt....I am one of those people.
I want to make people happy and I feel like I am a people pleaser but no matter what I do I can't seem to make everyone happy let alone myself. I don't know why this seems to be but trying to make everyone happy is not working and it's not making me happy.
It's so confusing to why I am this way and always trying my best to be the one that makes everyone happy when I myself is searching for some kind of happiness. Is me wanting to be happy such a bad thing? I hope it isn't and I hope that one day I can put myself first and be happy.

La La

Has anyone heard the song "La La" by Ashlee Simpson?
That is one of my fav songs at the moment. Every time is comes on the radio I have to turn it up as it is a great rocky/pop song.
I like a few songs around at the moment.
I love Green Days "Boulavad of Dreams".
Eminems "Toy soldier".
Scissor sisters "filthy gorgeous".
There is about 10 around at the moment but atm whilst sat here writing them on here I can't seem to remember them all but each one I like is so different from the next one.

Lucky is well now :-)

Lucky seems to have returned to full health now and I am very happy about that.
It was upsetting me to see him ill and in so much pain so now seeing a happy little dog is making me very happy indeed.
He's running round like a mad looney like he use to and he's sleeping and he's happy like he was before. :-)

A207

I finally got my course work for A207 yesterday.
I've been looking forward to getting it for some time now and was so happy to receive it.
The thing is it looks a lot harder than I thought it would be. I knew that it wasn't going to be easy but just the covers of the books make the course look hard.
The course is due to start a week on Monday and I'm going to be looking through it from now and till then and just hope that I can do it.

I was saying a few weeks ago that I wanted so much to do my first ever course again (A103) as I enjoyed it so much because all of the subjects involved. Well A207 is a history course but what I didn't realize is that I will be doing the same subjects as I did during A103 in this course. That cheered me up no end.

I haven't studied properly since I finished A103 in September 2003. I know that I have since done two courses but they weren't really academic like A103 was. T171 I lost interest in after the first month and never did any course work except a week up to the assignment due date and the work I did was nothing like A103 or A207. TXR174 was a great course and my second favorite that I would also like to do again one day. That course was easy to me. The first TMA (assignment) was done in about 30 minutes and that included the final print out on the computer. The second one I must admit had me worried and struggling for a while on it. I was having writers block. I have now come to realize that probably had somethig to do with not studying since the end of 2003. That TMA took me ages to realize what the questions were asking but once I got them I couldn't stop writing and the whole thing was done in about 10 hours and that was a big one, it was something like 21 pages long.

So I'm looking at A207 and I'm getting distracted easy and bored very easierly and my concentration levels are so low at the moment. I can't even sit there for ten minutes and look at it and that is driving me mad. I know I have a low concentration span but thirty minutes never use to be hard when I was into studying before. I just do't feel motivated anymoew like I was and I found myself reading through some and not getting it at all and I was like that a little at the end of A103. I wasn't like that at the beginning of the course but at the end on one of the TMAs. I just don't know what to do about my lack of motivation but I need to pull myself out of it as soon as I can as I'm not willing to fail this course.
I know one of my big distractions is this computer and I know that a lot of the reasons why I didn't give T171 a proper go was me spending so much time on this computer so I have to try to pull myself out of this lull pf sitting here and wasting my time away playing games and chatting all day. I'm going to set some sort of schedule and plan which doesn't even allow me to turn the computer on unless I have done a certain amount of course work each day as well as the other things I need to do that I have been neglecting for such a long time.
It's about time that I stopped living my life in front of the computer as if I carry on this way I won't do well in this course and I will probably fail it and I don't want to do that as I'm half way through my degree and the degree is one of the things that I want most in life and me being on here all the time is jepidising that.

Anyway I will try my hardest to get myself out of this lull and get myself motivated into my course work as soon as I can' Hopefully before the course starts in ten days time.

SHOPS

I wish so much that the town centre shops were open today as I really fancy going to town and seeing what's around but I have been told by a couple of people that the shops are not open today. But at the same time someone told me that the shops are open so I don't know what to think.
Everything can't be shut today as there are people working. Ii know that a lot of the little corner shops are open today so I feel that the town centre shops should be open. It would be great if they were open but I doubt that they are open.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year

Wow it is 2005 already. It seems only yesterday that it was 2000. Don't worry I haven't missed four years or lost my memory or anything like that.

I can remember everything that has gone on in the last four years in my life even though a lot has gone on.

Do I have any regrets from the past four years? Of course I do but only a couple of major regrets as I try not to regret things.

I am so happy in my life at the moment and I'm working so hard to improve my life through various avenues in my life so life can only get better for me from now on.

You know what, I hate those people who say their life is rubbish and then don't do anything about it to improve it and they sit there and wallow in their lives instead of trying to help improve it. People like that I can do without and thankfully I don't have anyone in my life like that.

I don't tend to make New Year resolutions but I try to write down things I want to do or stop to improve my life. I haven't really sat down yet and wrote what I want to do but I can think of a couple of things right now that will be going on the list. I won't put more than ten things on it and I never have either.

People don't tend to stick to their new years resolutions even though with their best intentions they do into them hoping and trying their hardest to stick to them. There are some that can and do stick to them but they most be very determined people.

Has anyone ever noticed that at midnight on mew years eve the phone networks are down and it sometimes takes forever to get through to people to wish them happy new year? It took someone two hours to get through to me last night on my mobile and someone got bored after ten mins and tried my house phone instead and it still took them ten minutes to get through to me.

I bet there is thousands of people trying to ring friends and loved ones at the same time and that's why it is so hard to get throught.

Anyway I hope you all have a happy new year.